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Fanworks: Tron: Fics: Grid Eggs And Ham
Summary
Would you eat
Grid eggs and ham?
Would you, could you,
Sam-I-Am?
....
Would you, could you,
with a cat?
Would you,
in a Usenet chat?
....
Would you eat them
by a lake?
Would you eat them
with a snake?
....
Would you eat them
in the sea?
Would you
with the MCP?
....
(Sam Flynn is unimpressed with Dad's cooking.
But far bigger things are happening all around them.)
(Luckily for Zuse et al, Flynns tend to be oblivious.)
Author's Note:
....
Like so many things in my terrifyingly convoluted mind, this crackfic idea began as... SEVERAL other ideas.
....
1. A certain wild headcanon about Castor/Zuse and Ram. The idea fascinated me, but I hadn't put it in any stories... because, so far, every way I could think of writing it was heartbreakingly tragic. UNTIL NOW.
2. Watching Good Omens Season Two, and getting titillated by sneaky Easter eggs for other works featuring the same actors... which included a fez for David Tennant, AND an identity/combat disc for Michael Sheen.
3. A certain EXTREMELY IRRATIONAL subroutine in my head that took one look at the pig roast in Flynn's safe house in Legacy, and became insistent on making it the subject of a GREEN EGGS AND HAM parody.
4. The fact that this subroutine (the same brain-demon I blame for "The Quorax") likes to refer to itself as "Doctor Zuse."
....
Part of being a pattern recognition program is seeing connections between things that... no reasonable person would ever, ever think of connecting.
Part of being a GOOD pattern recognition program is seeing those connections and actually getting them to WORK. Finding ways to apply something from one dataset to a COMPLETELY different field, in a way that's actively HELPFUL.
....
I am... a pattern recognition program.
"Good" is... a matter of opinion.
-
*****
-
GRID EGGS AND HAM
-
an
Ineffable SeusserWhoTron
story
-
*****
-
....
I am Sam.
....
....
Sam I am.
....
....
I do not like
Grid Eggs and Ham.
....
....
...You do not like
my eggs and ham?
....
....
What dinner WOULD
you even like?
....
....
Would you eat them
on a bike?
....
....
I would not,
could not,
on a bike.
....
....
Would you, could you,
with a cat?
Would you,
in a Usenet chat?
....
Would you eat them
by a lake?
Would you eat them
with a snake?
....
Would you eat them
in the sea?
Would you
with the MCP?
....
....
Not with a cat!
Not in a chat!
Not by a lake!
Not with a snake!
I would not eat them
in the sea.
And NEVER
with the MCP!
I do not like them!
Let me be!
....
....
Would you, could you,
with a Tronzler?
Would you, could you,
with a Onceler?
....
....
I would not, could not,
with a Tronzler!
I would not, could not,
with a Onceler!
....
...I think we need
a family counselor.
....
....
WOULD YOU, COULD YOU,
IN A BOX?
THAT WARPS THROUGH SPACE
AND TURNS BACK CLOCKS?
....
WITH TEN
REGENERATED DOCS?
....
This latest one's
a sexy fox!
....
....
I ... would not,
could not,
in a box.
....
How did that thing
get on the Grid?
....
....
I've even been
to Who-ville, kid.
....
(They MAY have named it
after me.)
....
....
I do not care.
Please let me be.
....
....
You sure you wouldn't
like some ham?
Tastes better
on the inside, Sam!
....
This box is great,
it's just the best!
It's traveled here
through time so fast...
I've brought a message
from the PAST!
....
....
"Dear Son-of-Flynn!
Dear spoiled Sam!
....
You do not LIKE
Grid eggs and ham?
In MY day
we just had a spring!
And we were GRATEFUL
for that thing!
Your dad worked hard
to make that ham!
It took him ALL DAY
to program!
YOU BETTER EAT IT,
SAM-I-AM
AND YOU HAD BETTER
GIVE A DAMN
I SWEAR TO FLYNN
....
...sincerely, Ram."
....
....
I still won't eat
that programmed ham.
Won't even eat that ham
for Ram!
....
Ram does not care,
'cause Ram is DEAD.
....
Now leave me be.
I'm off to bed.
....
....
DID DAD SAY YOU COULD
BE EXCUSED?
I HAVE another name.
It's ZUSE.
....
....
Wait, how did YOU
break into here?
....
....
I AM a hacker,
Sam, my dear.
....
Just call me Castor,
Zuse...
or Ram.
....
....
...I'm disappointed,
Flynn and Sam.
You didn't notice
who I am?
....
So quick to leave
a friend for dead?
....
...I HACKED into
this program's head!
....
....
You don't know
who you're looking at!
....
I change my render
just like THAT!
As quick as
picking out a hat!
Or changing handles
in a chat!
....
....
...I even
used to be a cat.
....
....
A form too limited
to keep.
....
I dreamed of
counting 'lectric sheep
Til I grew up
to be a Ram!
Despite not being
born a lamb!
....
An actual
actu-Aries,
Sam!
....
....
And I'd been other things,
before!
....
Became a cat
'cause I got BORED!
....
...Of guarding Eden.
....
....
...With a sword.
...
....
....
....
I've... taken other forms,
as well.
....
I had a different look...
in Hell.
....
So many shapes
I've had to take...
And even some
I've had to fake.
....
...You know, I've...
...even been a snake.
....
.....
.....
....
But... just like you,
I got so bored...
I said, it's Time
to be a Lord.
So I gave up,
reset my clocks,
And promptly ran off
in a box
....
Where I've explored
through all of Time
Just saving lives
and fighting crime
....
And tasting
MANY foods sublime...
....
....
(And, as I've told you,
Sam-I-Am...
You REALLY ought to
try that ham.)
....
....
....
....
....
Aaaand ...That's the story,
then, I guess!
....
You've failed
to comprehend us, yes!
It's like
this lovely fellow says...
We're not so easy
to de-rez.
....
....
....
....
And would you?
Could you?
With a fez?
....
....
Oh YES.
I WOULD.
...I LOVE your fez.
....
....
And would you do it
by a lake?
And would you do it
with a snake?
....
....
...Oh yes.
I would.
Oh, goodness' sake.
....
....
Yes, by a lake.
Yes, with a snake.
Yes, in a box.
Yes, with your clocks.
....
....
And I'd defend you
with my disk
No matter what
might be at risk,
....
And I would do it
in a chat
And I would do it
in your flat
....
....
...I'd even love
to be your cat.
....
....
Excuse me...?
Zuse, or maybe Ram?
....
Are you... still
talking 'bout the... ham?
....
....
Oh, you're still there?
Forget it, Sam.
....
My actuarial routines
Say you aren't even
worth two beans.
To me and my desires,
I mean.
....
There's nothing here
on which I'm keen.
I'm ready for
a change of scene.
....
The Grid
won't need me anyhow.
....
And THIS
is what
I need
right now.
....
....
This Grid is
just so yesterday.
....
Let's fake my death!
And run away!
And fly that box
through Space and Time!
....
So long, you Users!
End of Line!
....
....
All right then, Angel!
Allons-y!
We're off to
stun the Galaxy
With our Ineffability!
....
....
(oi, wait. Ineffability?
....
I hope that doesn't
mean we can't?
....
...if getting Effed
is what we want?)
....
....
(Oh no.
Just takes an Effort, mate.
And I am good
at Effort...)
....
....
(...Great!)
....
....
Goodbye then, Grid,
forevermore!
....
Oh... could we make
one small detour?
It's just...
a friend in need,
you see...
....
At least,
in future, he will be.
....
The quite near future,
probably.
....
Fast-forward just...
an hour or three?
....
....
...Oh, anything
for you, A. Z.
....
....You are a darling,
Anthony!
....
....
Oi! You there,
with the glowing T!
....
About to fall
into the sea?
....
We're off to
Alpha Centauri!
....
You want a lift?
Then come with me!
....
....
(A couple hours previously:)
....
....
...um, dad?
Who WAS that weird Program?
....
...I do not know, son.
Eat your ham.
....
-
*****
-
*****
Author's Note:
Yeah. I did it. I couldn't resist anymore.
The various demons/(daemons?) in my head have WON.
Specially you, Dr. Seuss Subroutine.
You got an actual Doctor/Zuse story.
Hope you're happy.
Hope you're exorcised/(exercised?) enough, now.
Flynn lives. Tron lives. Ram lives. Zuse lives. Castor lives.
JUST THIS ONCE, EVERYBODY LIVES.
Now.... let me be.
-
*****
-END OF LINE-
*****
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Fanworks: Tron: Fics: Grid Eggs And Ham
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