So here’s a my hot take about “social anxiety,” and “being afraid to ask others for help.”
After years and years of personal growth, I still get people treating my “aversion to asking for things” as some internal problem with my brain.
But let me tell you one thing.
You might be able to conquer any nagging sense that you “don’t deserve” help from others. Then you might go on to vanquish any exaggerated idea of how much harm or trouble or inconvenience your request would cause someone else. And after that, you could totally wipe out any excess of anxiety about how angry someone else might be at you for asking.
But all this WILL NOT CHANGE the fact that:
- Other people have lives of their own
- Your requests usually are not (and should not be!) another person’s first priority
- People cannot be expected to have perfect memories and keep your request in their minds all the time
- And therefore, if you have any ability to do a thing for yourself– even something far outside both your skillset and your responsibilities– even if it’s very difficult to do on your own– it’s still very often MUCH EASIER than trying to get another person to do it for you.
Example:
I mention a project I want to do. I think I can do it with just a saw and hammer and nails that I already have. But my roommate, who has more woodworking equipment and more experience than me, says he’ll help.
I say thanks, and ask him when. He says “well, I can’t today, maybe Saturday?” So I wait til Saturday. At which point he’s forgotten and planned something else, so he can’t that day. Is Wednesday afternoon okay?
Sure (I put notes all over the apartment to make sure he doesn’t forget this time). And he doesn’t forget– but he has to cancel anyway because the dog unexpectedly has to go to the vet that day. We reschedule for Friday. We get started on the project… at which point he suddenly concludes that we actually need a part that we don’t have right now, and he’ll have to buy it. That’ll take a few days at least, so we have to reschedule again.
And now his schedule’s busier than he thought, and he doesn’t know when’s the next time he’ll be available. He says he’ll let me know when. But weeks and weeks go by, and he doesn’t. If I remind him, either he’ll reassure me that he promised to tell me if he has any free time, and he’s still gonna let me know when, I just have to be patient… OR he’ll apologize for forgetting, and reassure me that he’ll remember to tell me NEXT time he has a free afternoon.
Maybe a couple times he does message me, with less than an hour to spare, to give me a heads up that he’s free now. But of course, on such short notice, I myself can’t always arrange to be free– and if he does this enough times and gets a “no” from me each time, he’ll start feeling it’s no longer worth trying and he’ll stop.
At this point, my entire self wishes that I’d just done the project on my own, with my own inferior skills and whatever equipment I could scrounge up myself. It wouldn’t be as good, maybe. But even if I had to try a few times to make it passably okay, then at least I would have learned something– and in any case, it would be DONE now. I wouldn’t be sitting here waiting, dependent on someone who does not have my project anywhere NEAR the top of his priorities.
Same goes for asking for something back that someone’s borrowed from me. (Assuming my time is worth minimum wage, it’s usually cheaper just to buy a new one.)
Same goes for asking my boss for an accommodation that would really help but I can sorta get by without. (I’ve seen coworkers having to remind management repeatedly about accommodations they get. It’s almost a whole second job.)
Same goes for the colored pencils I just ordered while staying at my mom’s house, upon which she reminded me that I really should have asked her first, because there are “tons” of art supplies in the house already. (Sure– but how soon can you be available to look for them? And once looking, how quickly could you find them? And if they aren’t quite what I was looking for, but you “feel certain” that the thing I was looking for “is also around here somewhere,” then how many days should I give you to remember where it is? And how many times during those days should I check in with you, just to see if you actually still remember my request and are actually still trying to find it?)
In my experience, more often than not, asking another person for something (no matter how well-meaning they are) will put them in a position of oblivious, incompetently wielded power over me, long before they even begin to grant my request.
And in my experience, more often than not, that is a fate to be avoided if at all possible– by any means– up to and including doing things for myself that I “shouldn’t have to do.”
And no amount of therapy and self-help on my own brain is gonna change that.