I am in a weird place right now. Maybe it’s because it’s still January, and my good resolutions haven’t *quite* gone the way of the dodo, but… Idk.
I feel like I’m getting used to being sober. And not sober of drugs and alcohol, but of… Excitement. Hype. Joy.
My life is so fucking boring and uninspiring right now. I’m not obsessed with anyone or anything. I’m not hyper focusing on anything. I’m meh about all stuff. I can’t create. And yet. My house is tidy. I’ve read like 5 physical books in two weeks. I’ve brushed my teeth semi-regularly. I’ve been productive and confident at work.
I feel like an animal, following instincts rather than thinking and feeling. It’s all one thing into the next, rinse and repeat, boring boring boring boring… but I’m getting used to it. It’s strangely comforting, almost… satisfying? Just living day by day, moment by moment. It’s all utterly dull but well, I have nothing better at the moment, nothing I’d rather be doing. So… I might as well vacuum the kitchen, I might as well finish up that documentation, I might as well send that email, I might as well go shower. You see?
Is this what maturity is? Or am I just depressed?
Bottom line: I think I’m better at human-ing when I don’t have anything I really love in my life, nothing that lights up my eyes. When nothing ever alleviates the drudgery, the drudgery becomes easier to bear, and the desire for it to be alleviated fades.
Maybe this is what they mean when talking about enjoying small things.
I didn’t know that a clean space was attainable, or that I’d find it pleasant. I didn’t know that I was still capable of reading real books. I didn’t realise how nice it is to have a skincare routine. None of these things give me Joy, or make me Excited. But they’re nice. And I didn’t appreciate them when I had other things in my life that gave me the Capital Letter Feelings, often to my own detriment, and the detriment of my space, my body, and my relationships.
I don’t know if I’m ok with Never feeling anything big or hype again. And yet a part of me is like… I hope it never comes back. I hope life will just be tidy kitchens and clean teeth and vacuumed floors from now on.
I guess it’s nice feeling like a capable adult for a change.
I am having a little bit of this too (not exactly the same but similar)
getting things organized; getting better at everyday ordinary things
less passion about fandom or any project (not really absent for me, just less passionate)
I second the comment about it being seasonal-related (for me)
but not sure I’d call it depression…
I think I just have a seasonal cycle
some seasons are for being horny
some seasons are for being otherwise passionate about creativity
and some seasons are just for inbetween stuff, getting my life in order, making the bed and cleaning the room to prepare for the next Season of Passion