you can tell a lot about a person by who their first fictional crush was. it also explains every fictional crush they’ve had since
who was yours? i’ll go first: mine was batman :x
Egon from The Real Ghostbusters
Which explains basically everything tbh
I’ve had three
1. Spock (TOS). nerdy emotionally repressed alien genius who looks down on normal humans and their feelings. nevertheless is passionately loved by the humans around him, to the point that they bring him back to life when he dies
2. Ten (Doctor Who). nerdy alien genius who is wildly emotionally expressive and LOVES humans and waxes poetic about how much he loves and admires them but also mocks them just as much. Also passionately loved by the humans around him, but does not need them to resurrect him when he dies because he does that himself
3. Ram (Tron). nerdy sentient computer program. math geek who’s also athletic and a good fighter but is 100% the devoted sidekick character with few lines and we get practically nothing about his own life. Worships humans as gods. Liked well enough by those around him that they seem sad when he dies, but they move on from him really fast. Death happens halfway into the movie and no one brings up possibility of resurrection even though he’s a computer program and someone probably has a backup and the data probably hasn’t even been overwritten yet.
I don’t want to think about the RAMifications of this for my own life thank you. Shut up
I guess, if I want to look for a positive interpretation:
My first crush, Spock, was a sort of tumultuous mixture of “I WANT him” with “I want to BE him” and sometimes “I AM him.” Fantasies began as exclusively Spock/me, and eventually shifted to Spock/Kirk (vicariously experienced through both viewpoints). Spock, in such fantasies, was always a powerful dominating figure, even if he was out of control of his own actions. (At that time in my life, I was figuring out both who I was and what I was attracted to. A big part of that was the struggle between “distrust of the neurotypical human world” and “desire to connect with it”.)
Tenth Doctor was a new upheaval in my self-discovery, at a time when I’d gotten pretty skilled at repressing my emotions but some part of me wished I wasn’t. Fantasies about the Doctor were almost entirely displaced, mostly onto Jack/Ten. Doctor was always more submissive than dominant, in these fantasies– and this crossed over into newer fantasies about Spock, when I shifted back to that fandom afterwards. (I believe I was still struggling with my relationship to the outside world, and the amount of control I had and wanted in my own life).
Ram kinda came out of nowhere recently, after a few big upheavals in my life. Fantasies completely removed from myself. I definitely saw things I related to in Ram, but I neither wanted him nor wanted to be him, except in a distanced way (imagining him with Tron, from both viewpoints). Physical attraction was intense, but still almost overshadowed by a sort of protective love for him. Stories I wrote about him have always shown him as the devoted sidekick he is in canon, always very much the submissive one, but with a far more fleshed out personality, and storylines focused on fixing what canon did to him.
I think my feelings about Ram might show that I’ve graduated from trying to mold myself into the lives of characters… current state could be described as “relatively satisfied with who I am, now primarily driven by sympathy for others and desire to help.”
At least that’s a nice way to think of it.
Gives me a great feeling.