pattern recognizer: HEY ASTER. remember the Geico commercial from 2005

me: i do not remember the year, but apparently you do

pattern recognizer: Remember how the guy in the commercial read off a customer email saying “your website would be the bomb if you had the gecko do the robot”

me: unfortunately

pattern recognizer: and remember how you were then confused when the gecko started dancing

me: okay, hold up, i think it was you who was confused about that

pattern recognizer: because until that moment, you had not known “the robot” was a dance

me: please stop reminding me

pattern recognizer: you had interpreted “do the robot” as a sex thing. You were expecting to see the gecko fuck a robot

me: I WAS NOT

pattern recognizer: well. I know this is like twenty years late, but.

me: no

pattern recognizer: if we can’t get a robot.

me: no

pattern recognizer: HOW ABOUT A PROGRAM

me: …..

pattern recognizer: CMON. they both work for INSURANCE COMPANIES. they both want to help SAVE YOU MONEY

pattern recognizer: they’re both adorable sweethearts. arguably, they are both computer-animated programs. they are a perfect match. how can you not ship it

me: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, PATTERN RECOGNIZER

pattern recognizer: actual fuck? oh no

pattern recognizer: this will be an actuarial fuck

……