Back when I used to think about suicide (every day, back when I had the worst job I’ve had)… I never really wanted to do it, but my ideation would make up some scenarios so convoluted that they’d kind of …eat themselves

if I thought about calling a suicide prevention hotline, my imagination would get to the point when they ask “do you have a plan for how you might act on your suicidal thoughts?” and then I would picture myself answering “Yes, I do have a plan. I was thinking I’d call a suicide prevention hotline, and tell them I’m about to do it, and then their mandated-reporter asses will call a cop to my house, and I’ll freak out and the cop will do it for me”

and at that point I couldn’t really picture what the person on the other end of the phone would say… so my imagination would sorta fizzle out, and I’d just stuff the thoughts back down and go on living that unlivable life a little longer