I woke up from a nap today already possessed by the Pattern Recognizer, with this poem forming in my head, and I’ve been building onto it since then

It’s about my favorite Tron program, Ram– whom I see as an unprecedentedly beautiful merging of Wholesome Cinnamon Roll and Slutty Gay Twink and Math Geek and Badass Warrior, all conveyed within a criminally small amount of screen time for such a fantastically deep character

Which may be largely just projection on the part of my overactive Pattern Recognizer

Who also, in the course of generating this poem, may have managed to set my all-time record for in-text pun density (both dirty and nerdy and otherwise)

so that’s what’s down there under the cut. In case you need the warning.

(It might not even be done yet. The Recognizer has its own plans and will not share them with me.)

—-

A boy in the service of those he can trust

Fulfills all their wishes with love and with lust

He follows the watchdog who cares for the flock

Makes sure his desires are never code-blocked

He’ll service his circuits, and pleasure his code

From the Little Derez to the Big Overload

And the virus protection of such a program

Is sufficient safe sex for a diligent Ram,

Who’ll help fight the Trojans while out in the streets

And be gentle as Patroclus in the spreadsheets;

While Achilles still lives, and till Caesar is dead

He’s there for the Circuits, and there to be Bred

He can’t have a child, but damn he can fork

He is both Machine Thot, and Adorable Dork

A Ram much more chill than the average Tron-Aries

The kindest and sweetest of all actuaries

An abacus made to keep track of your checks

He can calculate needs and can solve them for X

An electrical sheep to be counted upon

By everyone else, but especially Tron

There are dreams in his head under delicate fleece

And his sweetest of dreams will be made of release

He’s looking for freedom with passion enthused

But he’s one of the ones who would like to get Used

And his Journey is planned with the Users at heart

And he’s gotten imprisoned for that from the start

So he figures as long as he’s locked in a cell

He’ll keep causing trouble and doing it well

‘cause he’d rather be hung for a sheep than a lamb

Or be hung like a sheep, like the horniest Ram

With curly sweet horns like a cinnamon roll

too good for this world, like his innocent soul

For he’s loving and wholesome as well as a slut,

A shareware who shares both his heart and his butt

His open-source backend is random-access

And his binary bits always answer with Yes

And he gets a great feeling from helping you plan

How he’ll give you great feelings, again and again

From the soft of his wool to the hard of his horn

He’s a man with a plan and a Dan to be Shorn

And a friend with more benefits than you can shear

And his love’s an annuity year after year

A brilliant warrior quick with the disk

And a math nerd who’s quicker to calculate risk

An accounting cream puff who can slice you in two

Or save you on premiums, that’s up to you

(Up to fifteen percent and some more than that too)

(He’s a robot that even the gecko would do)

Because Ram can do anything– how about you?

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