As someone who, over many years, went from having unusually low social awareness in all areas to having unusually high social awareness in some areas…

(a long process of growth, involving the sorts of rare insights you can get about society while viewing it mostly from the outside while it’s actively hostile toward you)

…I have spent a LOT of time on both sides of a certain social dynamic that consists of: “someone is trying to fit into the group, and no one else wants them there, and anyone who tries to include them is doing it only out of pity.”

When I was the one with unusually low social awareness, I very often was that outsider.

When I became the one with high social awareness, and high compassion for the people who had been where I used to be… then I became the one that those outsiders tend to seek out, when they’re trying to fit in.

And, even from that complex viewpoint, I can’t really claim I’m anywhere near a solution for this problem.

But (as I often do) I’m going to describe the problem as I see it, even without having a solution. Describe it from both sides, with all the complexities as I see them.

And this probably won’t bring a solution.

But maybe it’ll bring a bit more understanding of the problem.

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So. When you’re an outsider trying to fit into a social group, and others just barely tolerate you at best– it’s often a combination of factors.

Which can include such things as:

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- They are not interested in the things you express interest in.

- They do not agree with the worldviews you express belief in.

- Your way of expressing everything– voice tone, wording, body language, all of it– comes across as so awkward or unpleasant to them that they feel uncomfortable just being around you.

- You lack an understanding of some of the social rules of the group, which often cannot even be communicated to you– because the rules are so unspoken that no one in the group has even consciously put them into words. They just get some hard-to-articulate feeling that what you’re doing is not how things are supposed to be done here.

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And in my observation (this is the thing that complicates it the worst)–

–the unspoken, unarticulated, semi-conscious rules of most groups (and, for that matter, most individuals) will usually include one that goes something like this:

“Every problem is someone’s fault. And fixing the problem is always the responsibility of the person whose fault it is. And if they don’t fix it, we just punish and exclude them until they disappear, at which point the problem will stop.”

But the problem of “someone not fitting in” is very much not a problem where blame and responsibility can be easily assigned.

Taking the above list of factors into account, from the viewpoint of the outsider (whom the group generally tends to blame):

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- You can’t just choose to change what you’re interested in. And if you pretend to be interested only in what interests the group, that is both unsatisfying to you, and likely to come across as obviously fake and performative to the group.

- Likewise, you can’t just choose to change your beliefs and worldviews. And if you choose to hide them and pretend agreement with the group, that is both unsatisfying to you and likely to come across as obviously fake and performative to the group.

- You can’t just change things like your voice, wording, and body language through a simple act of will. If you’re going to change any of that, it’ll be a long process of learning, and arguably this shouldn’t be considered important enough for you to have to do that.

- Similarly you can’t just switch on an understanding of a group’s social rules through an act of will, especially when the group in general doesn’t even consciously understand its own rules well enough to explain them to you if you ask.

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And now, the same problems from the viewpoint of the group (whom the outsider will often blame):

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- Even as a member of a group trying to make the new person feel included, you can’t force yourself to be interested in the things they express interest in. You can choose to listen, and ask questions, and try to cultivate an interest… but if no interest naturally takes root, then you’re stuck just pretending an interest that’s both unsatisfying to you, and fake and performative to the outsider.

- Same with beliefs and worldviews. You can’t always find a way to agree with the beliefs they express, nor can you always convince them to agree with what you believe. And so discussion of the dissenting belief becomes either an off-limits topic (unsatisfying to everyone) or a lie (unsatisfying and also fake and performative) or a constant source of conflict.

- If there’s something about the way someone talks, sounds, looks and acts that just always sets you on edge and makes you uncomfortable– even if you know it’s an irrational response on your part; even if you know it’s neither their fault nor important enough to even care about– that doesn’t automatically stop your response of discomfort and annoyance. It’s a thing you can work on, but that takes time. And until you can learn to overcome it, you’re just always uncomfortable and annoyed while in their presence. Trying to endure this is both unsatisfying to you, and likely to come across as fake and performative to the outsider, who knows there’s something wrong but can’t understand what. (And explaining it– “I know you can’t change everything about yourself, but all of it still makes me irrationally upset at you anyway”– is hard to do without coming across as horribly callous and hurtful.)

- You can’t explain your group’s social rules to the new person if you’ve never even figured out how to put them into words. And, even if you have? No way of putting a rule into words is ever perfect. Outsiders lacking the group’s social context will not interpret rules the way you do. They will think things are okay if your wording doesn’t explicitly forbid them, and will think things are forbidden if your wording technically implies that– even if you think it’s obvious where it does and doesn’t apply. And even if you’re very patient, and even if everyone in the group is as patient as you (unlikely scenario)– this is a lot of work to put into accommodating a new person, and there will probably be disputes over whether this new person is worth all that work.

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Looking at these sides of the problem, some people may still feel that the solution is simple– that the responsibility for change should still always fall clearly on one side of the conflict.

But then, if you start posing specific examples, it still falls apart. Every example brings up new questions:

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- What if the difference in interests is so great that there is no reason this group and this new person should even be trying to find common ground? (Where’s the line there? What if one side still wants to keep trying but the other doesn’t? How do we decide which side’s responsibility it is to break things off based on incompatible interests?)

- What if the disagreement in beliefs is on an important ethical issue? And what if one side is clearly in the wrong? (Of course, no side will ever believe it’s clearly in the wrong. That goes against the whole definition of a belief. And usually people can’t change viewpoints and realize that they were “clearly in the wrong” until something important happens. “Being excluded from every group you try to join” or “having every new person who joins your group leave right away” can be a catalyst for that. But usually only if it’s a repeated pattern.)

- Is there a line where “irrational reactions to unimportant details of someone’s voice and wording and mannerisms” can shade into “reasonable objections to a person talking and moving in a way you find threatening or disruptive, and wording things in a way you find insensitive, even if they don’t intend it like that”?

- Is there a line where “failing to understand rules because they’re unclear and not communicated” can shade into “failing to follow self-evident rules for decent behavior that should be obvious to everyone”? Does the person’s intent always matter? And who gets to make these decisions?

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Some of this problem also exists for online groups (substitute “typing habits” for “voice tone and body language” I guess). And some of it also exists for one-on-one interactions, one person just trying to connect socially with one other person, without an actual group involved. It’s a very pervasive sort of social problem, and there isn’t one simple answer in all cases.

I don’t know.

I have navigated these sorts of problems a lot of times, from each side. I’m not sure I’ve always made the best decision.

And as usual when I explore a complex problem, the fact that I don’t have a clear pointing finger of blame, or a clear answer on how to handle it, means I have to end on this unsatisfying note of “I don’t know.”

Which is probably why these long posts never get as much engagement as those by people who do have a clear pointing finger of blame and a clear answer on how they believe the problem should be handled.

But I’m still going to keep analyzing issues this way, instead of that way, even if it never moves as fast. Understanding more of the complexity of the problem feels to me like a step in the right direction. Even if it’s never a lot of steps in any direction.