The advice “NO is a complete sentence” has the right idea, but it’s not exactly true.

“No” isn’t a sentence. It doesn’t have a subject or a verb. It’s an interjection – a word that can express an idea when spoken alone, without needing a complete sentence.

Yeah, that’s a semantic technicality. And I’m not sure it’s relevant in a direct way.

But it does draw attention to the fact that when people hear “no” by itself, they don’t feel they’ve received a full answer.

Which I think is why people often feel they have a right, or even a need, to continue asking questions after they hear “no.”

I imagine the thought process goes:

- This person just said “no” and didn’t elaborate!

- Communication is vitally important, and they aren’t communicating with me! This is unhealthy!

- So I have to be the one to make it happen. I need to know WHY they said “no.”

- And if they give me an answer that I don’t consider sufficient, I need to question that answer!

- I will keep asking questions until I understand! This is how honest and healthy communication works!

And the effect this often has, in practice, is to wear down and exhaust the person who said “no,” in a thought process like this:

- They won’t stop asking questions. No matter how much I explain, they demand more explanation for everything I say. It just won’t stop.

- Clearly their expectations are so different from mine that they will never be satisfied with my reasons for saying “no.”

- My only options now are:

- 1. to refuse to answer any more questions (in which case they’ll continue the interrogation, but now on the topic of why I’m mad at them and giving them the silent treatment)

- 2. to get outright aggressive and tell them why their questioning is unwelcome (which also might just continue the interrogation, and also runs a risk of getting them aggressively angry at me in return)

- or 3. to give up and say yes.

- My options in the future, in order to avoid this happening again, are:

- 1. To never say “no” to them again, and always just give up and do what they want right away and get it over with

- 2. To make up fake reasons for any future “no” I have to say, concocted specifically to be reasons they will accept

- or 3. To avoid interacting with them at all.

And that’s why lots of people get cut out of other people’s lives, just for not having a line at which they are willing to accept that they don’t understand something and stop asking questions about it.

(This is not especially about dating and sex. In my own experience it’s usually about people who don’t understand why I’m doing a creative or household project the way I am, and why I’m not accepting their “help” with it.)

(This has included romantic partners, but it has also included friends and relatives and acquaintances. And I’ve dealt with it so much that it’s now one of the quickest ways to get me closed-off and defensive and make sure I never even let you know when I’m doing a project ever again.)

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