Thinking again about trans friends/lovers in my life who’ve told me I seem like I might be trans.

And like. I still really don’t know. Because when I think about the various steps I could take to transition, it goes basically:

Changes in pronouns and nouns: No. They are words. They’re made up, for communication purposes. As long as you aren’t insulting anyone and you’re reasonably clear who you’re talking about, they’ve served their purpose and I truly could not care less what words they were.

Changes in clothes: …no. not really. I have discovered I like wearing dresses most of the time. I make my own clothes because I have figured out what kind of clothes I like to wear, comfort snd convenience-wise, and it turns out it is very specific. And, from this society’s viewpoint, very feminine looking. No matter what I think. Not gonna change that.

Changes in hairstyle: …no. I mean I kinda like the way my long hair looks, aesthetically. Don’t really like how it feels, but mainly I like that it doesn’t have to be cut frequently to stay the same. It takes a lot of brushing and combing, yeah, but a short boy-cut or shaved head would be more hassle to maintain the look, in the long term. My approach to having hair is avoid having to deal with it, as much as possible. Currently, growing it out and keeping it outta the way all the time is the lowest-maintenance approach for me.

Taking T:

Muscle growth: yeah that would be pretty cool

Bottom growth: yeah that would be pretty cool

Deeper voice: don’t care one way or the other

Facial hair: NO NO NO. This one is the closest to how I imagine gender dysphoria would be.

But I still don’t think it is that, exactly.

Because it’s not fundamentally different from how I feel about having any amount of hair, anywhere (including my head!) … it’s just stronger, because I’m not used to the idea. I’ve had to get used to having hair all the places I already hate having it, because I can’t change the fact that I’m a fuckin’ mammal. So that all fades into background emotions.

Saying this to aforementioned trans partners and the response I get is: “wow, dragon really was the right choice for your fursona, huh”

(My trans partners were all furries as well, and considered their identification with a fursona to be a very similar experience to being transgender. So they know what they’re talking about, probably)

Except my fursona (the orange dragon that’s still barely referenced in the center of my avatar) also didn’t ever really feel like “me.”

I do like the idea of having reptile skin instead of mammal hair. But I think the face is what still looks wrong. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to have an animal muzzle or beak or any extended face like that.

Even though I fully admit that humans, from an objective planetwide perspective, look pretty fuckin’ ridiculous with our flat faces, because it’s so very much not the norm for how animals look in general

(and we humans even agree with this, because we look at the few other species with flat faces and they look silly as hell to us, too!)

But even so, a humanlike face is still probably the closest thing to what seems “right” for my own appearance.

But beyond that– I don’t even know.

I do think the closest thing I’ve found so far is here in the Tron fandom, with having a program-sona. Physical needs are totally non-organic and unlike the human experience. All aspects of appearance are superficial and changeable to suit the mood.

…Maybe I just hate having a body?

Good luck transitioning to that, in real life.

Maybe that’s why I’m so terminally online, lmao