Have been soooo stupid about purchases lately i swear

Getting things for the house– pretty much all sensible, useful things! …but not keeping good track of it, and now I’m very nearly out of money in both debit account and credit limit.

I’m not in trouble really. I’ll be fine after payday. Well, not THIS payday because this one goes entirely to the mortgage. But next payday, if I can somehow not have to spend any money at all until then, haha

The infuriating thing is, I used to be immaculate about keeping track of exactly how much I spent.

But then I spent many years of my life in a relationship with someone who was… really trying their best and genuinely wanted to help, but (as they now admit) often ended up being unreasonably controlling of other people’s lives because they couldn’t handle how much they felt out of control of their own

…with the result being, that every time I exerted my usual strict control over what I did (because I knew how much my own brain needed the regulation) I would get called obsessive and told I had to loosen up and take risks

Meaning that I was trained out of having a governor module on my own use of money

It sounds so backwards, that telling someone to loosen up and not control themselves so much can be a form of controlling. But it is.

When people control themselves a lot, they have a reason. And if you tell them they’re not allowed to use that coping skill anymore, the reason doesn’t go away. Sometimes it means they become dependent on you for whatever it is.

In my case, the reason is that if I don’t maintain a very well-established habit of using strict control, I will lose all track entirely.

Like how I KNOW that if I have to go somewhere on a certain day, I cannot do ANYTHING ELSE on that same day before the planned event.

Because any other endeavor might end up taking longer than i expected, and so even if I set an alarm for The Event, it might go off at a time when Other Endeavor has got me in a position of being in the middle of a thing that CANNOT be interrupted without disaster

And even if not, it’ll still force me to leave a thing only partway done, which could mean I come back from Planned Event to a house full of mess that I can’t even put away yet, even if I had the energy, because it can’t get put away until the thing is finished, but I’m now exhausted and totally fucked

So yeah. A day with a Planned Event is not a day when I can do other things. Obviously.

…at least that controlling relationship didn’t manage to train me out of that. Tried to. But didn’t.

At least.

But yeah it completely ruined my control of money.

I’m working on building it back. Slowly.

Ugh.