Paris: “but why are you making me choose one of these three goddesses”
Hermes: “because they all want the apple that’s inscribed For The Fairest, and Zeus doesn’t want to decide which goddess deserves it.”
Paris: “okay but. why me, of all the people Zeus could’ve picked to judge this”
Hermes: “because you are an exceptionally just man– known far and wide for your fairness of judgment”
Paris: “…so. you handed me this apple because I’m…”
Hermes “ …um. …no… don’t…”
Paris: “because I’m the fairest”
Hermes: “not in that–”
Paris: (walks away taking big golden bites outta the thing) “MINE, BITCHES”