I’ve been seeing an uptick in posts that start out by calling out some sort of angry behavior, calling it a specifically male thing, ignoring other points that were being made about it…. and then ending on those popular quotes about abusive men, from that book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.

It’s up to you what you post on your own blog, but– just so you know– I get a very strong urge to unfollow people when I see them sharing that. I’m probably going to filter some keywords soon, so I don’t have to see it again.

it’s not even necessarily anything against the book as a whole. it’s just that I feel more and more of this… sick dread, every time I see those specific quotes shared.

Reasons are pretty clearly summed up on this blog.

but in short: it’s because these quotes– at least when taken out of the book’s context– really really seem as if they’re promoting stuff like:

- “disproving” men’s claims of mental illness with the exact same arguments that get used over and over, by thoughtless ableists, to “disprove” truths about my own mental and physical health experience

- And which definitely will get used more on people like me, the more the world gets used to using them on (and associating them with) abusers

- determining the answer to “whether you should leave a bad relationship” by the question “is he an intentionally bad person who deserves to lose you?” instead of the answers to any questions about your own needs and feelings.

- i am not going to go into detail, but I have several personal experiences that make that in particular a terrifying thought for me. Which I do not want to see posts in favor of.

Again I’m not saying the book is necessarily in favor of those things. From what I’ve seen of the rest of the book, I think it does have some serious flaws (mostly in the area of overgeneralizing, by gender and otherwise). but it doesn’t present these particular arguments in quite as…. dangerously simplified a form as they look in the often-shared out-of-context passages.

Other complaints I have about posts I’ve seen that end with those quotes:

One of them starts by screenshotting a post about autistic and ADHD men who use loud voices and aggressive-looking movements “to make it clear they are angry,” and then tears it apart calling this inherently abusive and repeatedly asking “why it’s specifically men” that do this, as if that was the gotcha that made the whole argument invalid.

(It’s not specifically men. I do this too. Almost every woman who’s ever gotten fed up with nobody listening to her when she’s being polite has done this. If people don’t listen to you, this is often the only release valve that lets you “make it clear you are angry” before the anger gets to the point of actually hurting someone. This is sometimes the best way to avoid becoming abusive.)

Another starts out screenshotting a post about how “nobody cares about Dad’s pain until it turns into anger, and then he’s the bad guy.” In this case the responses were about how Dad shouldn’t be taking out his pain on other people, and “should get help before it gets to that point.”

Which only makes any sense if Dad isn’t already trying to get help. In which case he wouldn’t even be up against the problem of “nobody caring about his pain.”

The response is assuming the most uncharitable interpretation: that Dad hides his pain, refuses to talk about it, and then blames others for not being able to read his mind and magically figure out just what he needs.

Which is definitely a thing that happens!

But there are other things that happen too. Like:

“Dad expresses his pain, and everyone’s immediate response is to say it’s not important, or to interpret even the gentlest expression of it as already being some kind of attack.”

“Dad tries to get professional help, but therapists aren’t available, or aren’t affordable, or don’t give helpful advice– or do give helpful advice but it’s only helpful if the rest of the family is supportive, in ways they aren’t currently being.”

And as someone who’s been in these kinds of situations, it is terrifying to me to see people I’m following jump to the most accusatory interpretation, and then follow it up with quotes about abuse.

(Which, as I mentioned before, are quotes that also terrify me, because of how their arguments to claim that “he actually can control it and is choosing to do that” are the same arguments that get used about my mental and physical health problems that I definitely do not choose to have.)

Plus, neither of these (original screenshotted) posts even said that the people in question were abusive. Just that they showed anger.

If people can’t show that they’re angry without being called abusive, we’re never gonna find ways to stop actual abuse. And if we act as if the only difference between “expressing valid anger” and “being abusive” is perceived gender presentation, then what the hell are we even doing on Tumblr.