I feel like one of the conversational skill failures it’s really easy to fall into is assigning the other person an opinion, rather than asking what their opinion is. This kind of inherently puts them on the back foot, which is uncomfortable, so people don’t like it.
Starting a conversation by informing the other person that you KNOW their feelings, and you are acting based on the feelings you assume they have, without giving them a chance to tell you what feelings they ACTUALLY have… No one likes this!
You may have learned it from your parents doing it to you, in which case I can only imagine you didn’t like it either, but you still internalized it as an acceptable mode of communication because we are always internalizing stuff from our parents even though we don’t like it. It’s kind of a quintessential passive-aggressive parent move: “well, you never want to help me, you don’t appreciate everything I do for you” etc. It puts the addressee in the position of defending themselves and their actual feelings instead of inviting them to SHARE those feelings.
People generally find it easier and more pleasant to converse with you if you go into it with an attitude of curiosity rather than what is essentially a power-play. Assigning your interlocutor an opinion based on your assumptions about their internal experience expresses an unconscious sense that you believe you are and should remain in control of the conversation. But friendly conversations aren’t really supposed to be about control.
ALT
You will discover that by them saying so. If they do not wish to share their feelings with you, that’s a different communication problem
yes. in my experience every question is assumed to have a reason… and every question askingwhat the reason is will be assumed to have a reason… and so on infinitely. and the assumptions will never be the same as what anyone actually says aloud.
And there is no way to know if any of it matches what the reasons actually are. Because no one either feels comfortable telling the exact truth about their motivations, or is willing to believe anything you say about your motivations.
I guess I have two options…
- stop caring what other people’s feelings and opinions are
-move out of Minnesota
But see, I can’t leave Minnesota
Because the other problem with asking people what their opinion is, is they get mad at you for not having already figured it out from context
And Minnesota is the only place they’re ever coldly civil to me about that instead of yelling at me
ALT
