astercontrol:

The problem with communicating one’s needs and wants to another person, is that some needs and wants can only be fulfilled if one does not ask for them.

I’m talking about words, mostly. Words we wish that someone would say, but that can only be meaningful if they originate in the other person’s heart.

If I wish that you would apologize to me for something you’ve done… If I wish you’d say “I love you” more… if I wish you’d give me more compliments, or thank me more often when I do things for you– I mean, sure, I can ask you to say those words. But if I do, then they won’t mean anything when you say them.

Or at least– it’ll take a lot more than just saying them, to convince me they mean anything more than “you asked me to say these words, so I am saying them because that’ll satisfy you.”

Does your apology mean “I understand why you were hurt by what I did, and I sincerely regret it and I want to make amends?” Or does it mean “you asked for an apology so here’s an apology”?

Do your compliments really mean that you like my outfit, my cookies, the art project I’m working on? Does your “thank you” mean you’re truly grateful? Or do they just mean “if I make these sounds more often, they will be like coins in the vending machine that dispenses your approval”?

Is your “I love you” an expression of love, or just a programmed output for the input “please say you love me”?

If I ask for an increase in gestures like this, and you give me that increase, I do know that it means you want me to be happy– that’s some little comfort at least. But all those gestures have meanings– or are supposed to have meanings– beyond just “that you want me to be happy.”

And if I asked for the words, how can I know if those meanings are there or not?

What will you have to do– in what possible ways, with what original sincerity, can you innovate on your answers to my plea– to overcome the fundament that underlies all of it in my mind? The base certainty that– if the meanings of those words were real, if you ever really felt the emotions that ought to be behind them– then you would have been saying them from the start, without having to be asked?

It can probably be done, but I can’t tell you how. Because even if I knew, it still only works if you figure it out yourself. And, see, then we’re back to square one.

The extremely frustrating thing about being a fanfiction writer is that this also applies to fic comments.

A lot of AO3 fics don’t get comments. Even if they get lots of views. Even if they get lots of kudos. And kudos can be given for many reasons. Some people feel it’s an obligation to leave kudos every time you find a story tolerable enough that you read all the way to the end! Which is such a low bar that it can start to feel as if kudos don’t necessarily mean much.

Comments, though, definitely mean something, as long as they’re written by a real person and convey a real feeling. But often they don’t happen at all.

This can be for lots of reasons! It doesn’t mean the fics aren’t well-liked! Hell, sometimes the reason’s something like: “OMG, this fic is so transcendentally amazing that I can’t even begin to think of any way to express my love for it that’s even remotely worthy of this genius author, in whose presence I tremble and go tongue-tied like I’m meeting the greatest hero in the world”

…still, to the writer, that lack of comment feels the same as if the reason was “eh it’s mid, can’t think of anything particularly good to say about it.”

But. As a writer– even if you’ve got a story that you’re very proud of that’s gotten no comments– you can’t ask.

Or at least, if you do, it doesn’t really achieve anything.

Because, either you ask and people tell you why they didn’t like the fic enough to comment (and that’s well and good if you’re looking for actual advice to improve your writing, but not if it’s entirely done for fun and for love and you’re sharing it just in the hope that others might happen to like it as much as you liked writing it)

Or, people respond by leaving the positive comments that they didn’t leave before. And then you can’t trust them to be true.

Because now there’s the very clear possibility that they’re just being written out of pity.

After all, no one was feeling the urge to compliment your story from their own heart before you asked. And the only thing that changed since then was you asking.

So yeah. It’s frustrating when you don’t know why people are doing a thing, and the only advice you can get is “talk to them for fuck’s sake,” but talking to them is like observing quantum experiments– it inherently adds a variable that further impedes your ability to know the real answer.