On Friday nights my spouse plays games with his friends and, because that action often wakes the child late at night, the child sleeps in our bed on Saturdays. At bedtime we chat, he falls asleep, I play around on tumblr for a couple of hours and then also sleep, we wake up early and do morning activities while my beloved spouse sleeps in. Then they go to gymnastics and I have two sweet sweet hours alone in the house. Unparalleled. BUT.
Last Friday we were lying in bed and the child asked,
“Are zombies real?” No, obviously, absolutely not, despite him seeing them in several media properties, they aren’t real. It’s true most things that appear in several media properties ARE real: snow forts, walkie talkies, glow in the dark paint are all real things. So are Mr. Beast bars, which I didn’t even know about. Is it possible they are real and I just don’t know about them? Like Mr. Beast bars?
At this point my spouse hears his beloved child talking at ten PM and comes to check on us. We explain the conundrum, and I point out that he (the father) DID know about Mr. Beast bars so he can also verify whether zombies are real.
“No buddy, they aren’t real. They’re just a story people tell. Like Santa Claus.”
“SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL?”
“Ok great thank you for your help with this sweetheart go away.”
“SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL?!?!?”
Anyway here I’d like to thank tumblr because I explained about the historic figure Nicholas of Myra and the giving coins for dowries and the concept OF a dowry and then also the reanimating pickled children and the process of brine pickling and then the Council of Nicea and punching Arius and then the concepts of Arianism versus Trinitarianism and somewhere in the contemplation of the Trinity he fell incredibly asleep. Thanks tumblr.
The child fully remembers this conversation and does not believe in Santa as a result. He has also just started losing teeth. He explained to me:
- the tooth fairy isn’t real just like how Santa isn’t real
- El Ratoncito Pérez is, however, very real
- he is one of daddy’s primos and his job is teeth
- because he is one of daddy’s primos he brings my child a gift whenever he collects the tooth and presumably hangs out with daddy for a while
- is it possible he’s not actually a rat but a guy who got a weird nickname in college, like all of the other primos? What should my child call him if they meet?
- is the tooth fairy just another group of people whose job is teeth? Like Primo Ratoncito has a job: tooth fairy?
- but not actually a fairy, just a word that sounds like fairy and all the adults think it’s funny that kids mess it up and then lie.
The tooth ferry. He pays you a couple coins to take your teeth to the underworld
(why does he pay you? idk. i think the underworld is like a mirror of this world where things work backwards or something)
(i would be so very good at lying to children if I had no ethics)